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Title: drowning in water
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
duckytears
Pairing/Character: Duncan & Logan
Word Count: 1,192 words
Rating: PG
Summary: It was the two of you against the world.
Spoilers/Warnings: Spoilers up to "A Trip To The Dentist" (1x21)
A/N: Written for Round One of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
duncanfest! I'm fairly nervous about posting this, but I have my Duncan Kane expert by my side who actually cried at the fic, so I take it as a really really good thing.
You've known Logan since you two were six (well, you were seven) and your parents and his met at the same vacation spot - a boating camping retreat that both of your mothers despised. Your mother complained more than his but you could tell even at seven that Lynn Echolls wanted nothing to do with the outdoors - especially not when she was just in the edge of her husband's spotlight.
It turned out to be good for business or image or what ever your father was trying to up. You didn't care. All you cared about was that you got a new best friend.
Lilly had been your best friend for years. Since the time that you were born and she was only months older than you, she's been there for you; making you laugh at the wrong moments and convincing you that there's more to life than just impressing your parents. She hates them and when she's murdered you hate them more than you'd like to. You don't know exactly why, beyond the heavy amount of expectation they put on you, but you do.
It's not the point, though. Lilly had been your best friend for years until that hot summer when amidst melting ice cream cones and late night swims Logan took the place of her. Girls, sometimes even Lilly, were icky. Logan thought the same.
You begged your parents to go back every summer.
When he was twelve he moved to Neptune and you were overjoyed. It was the two of you together at last and in sync with each other. It was the two of you against the world. He kept taking second looks at your sister and you noticed. Logan isn't ever one for subtleties - he doesn't care to drag things on like that, not then and not now.
It's okay to like girls now, because you have your eye on the girl that Lilly's adopted as her own best friend. They're so blonde together and you and Logan make gagging sounds at the music that they play in the room next to yours. You still pretend with each other that you don't like them and maybe Logan's a bit afraid that you're going to get pissed for him being so interested in your sister. You aren't. You know Logan isn't about to do anything stupid. Logan wouldn't ever break her heart.
But she breaks his, multiple times - even after she dies. Especially after she dies.
That's when you start realizing that you're starting to hate even the people you love so much. It's an irrational fear, but you think that Logan being so pre-occupied with Lilly's death is going to mean that you're forgotten about. It's Lilly on People. Lilly on the Times. Lilly's face is plastered everywhere and she's laughing at you. You can hear the echo in your ears - it rings.
You hate your parents, and you're starting to hate Lilly a lot too. It's like drowning: Your mother told you that Veronica was your sister and you thought that would be the end of the world, but then Lilly did her thing with Logan and he stayed away from the house. You could swear you could feel your lungs clog with sea water, but you know you're barely surfacing when you black out and days later you're in some limo with your parents holding onto some fold out paper about a memorial for one Lillian Kane.
You don't cry. Veronica cries - a lot. Logan has red around his eyes, but never shows actual tears and you don't cry. You feel so physically unable and you're not sure why. You don't laugh or smile either. You don't do much of anything and you feel like you should be hated for that. You've even started to hate yourself.
It won't be the last time you hate yourself either.
Life has taught you, not Lilly, that the fire that comes with giving into the pressing heat of hate will fuel you like nothing else.
The next year when school starts - you ignore Veronica. You've slept with Veronica and you feel too guilty for words. There's an echo of your mother in her eerily calm tone saying Your sister, Your sister in your head - you ignore Logan, but he stays anyway. You two were together at last and in sync with each other. It was the two of you against the world. He cheats off your homework and you let him - and you're sure that you cheat off of him too somehow, just not any way that can be learned with desks and chalk and pencils. It officially smells like teen spirit.
What comes next, you think is inevitable, but you don't stop it because the drowning - no matter how much you hate it - has started to become comfortable. You've been drowning for a year and you'll continue to because it's convenient. It gives you a reason and you need a reason.
The two of you become unhinged and Logan's gets a little darker than you remember. Maybe he's drowning too, but you can't pull yourself up to the surface to save him like you want to. Maybe you were waiting for him to save you instead.
The space between the two of you makes you notice certain things. Logan has no reasons for some of the bruises or cuts that he's shown up around you since you've known him. It unnerves you and you don't say anything. You don't dare to open your mouth when in secret he scowls about how everyone loves his father so much. He hates the fame. He hates the cameras unless they're for him. Logan is a walking contradiction, but you love him. You accept him because no one else will and because he accepts you too.
What you can't accept is when sometime between after his mother dies and after Veronica confronts you about Shelly Pomroy's party that you find your best friend and your ex-girlfriend kissing. No, it's not just kissing. He looks at her in the same way that he used to look at Lilly: like he has to cradle her so not to break her.
He wouldn't do that. He knew you still loved her.
It's the first time you actually hate the two of them. Up until that point you were sure that they were the only exceptions. They're not and you feel yourself sink - hard.
Meg Manning is by your side as you take a shovel to your SUV. It all comes out. The anger the pain and most of all the utter betrayal of your friendship - your love - and you hope you're committed to some institution with a straight jacket. You can't think of any other option to escape. You don't see any lifejackets or anyone reaching in to pull you up. The worst part is that among hating them, you still love them. Meg's wrong; you mostly love him.
The taste of melting vanilla ice cream lingers on your tongue and you can't think straight. It was never water that you were drowning in.
Author:
duckytearsPairing/Character: Duncan & Logan
Word Count: 1,192 words
Rating: PG
Summary: It was the two of you against the world.
Spoilers/Warnings: Spoilers up to "A Trip To The Dentist" (1x21)
A/N: Written for Round One of
duncanfest! I'm fairly nervous about posting this, but I have my Duncan Kane expert by my side who actually cried at the fic, so I take it as a really really good thing.You've known Logan since you two were six (well, you were seven) and your parents and his met at the same vacation spot - a boating camping retreat that both of your mothers despised. Your mother complained more than his but you could tell even at seven that Lynn Echolls wanted nothing to do with the outdoors - especially not when she was just in the edge of her husband's spotlight.
It turned out to be good for business or image or what ever your father was trying to up. You didn't care. All you cared about was that you got a new best friend.
Lilly had been your best friend for years. Since the time that you were born and she was only months older than you, she's been there for you; making you laugh at the wrong moments and convincing you that there's more to life than just impressing your parents. She hates them and when she's murdered you hate them more than you'd like to. You don't know exactly why, beyond the heavy amount of expectation they put on you, but you do.
It's not the point, though. Lilly had been your best friend for years until that hot summer when amidst melting ice cream cones and late night swims Logan took the place of her. Girls, sometimes even Lilly, were icky. Logan thought the same.
You begged your parents to go back every summer.
When he was twelve he moved to Neptune and you were overjoyed. It was the two of you together at last and in sync with each other. It was the two of you against the world. He kept taking second looks at your sister and you noticed. Logan isn't ever one for subtleties - he doesn't care to drag things on like that, not then and not now.
It's okay to like girls now, because you have your eye on the girl that Lilly's adopted as her own best friend. They're so blonde together and you and Logan make gagging sounds at the music that they play in the room next to yours. You still pretend with each other that you don't like them and maybe Logan's a bit afraid that you're going to get pissed for him being so interested in your sister. You aren't. You know Logan isn't about to do anything stupid. Logan wouldn't ever break her heart.
But she breaks his, multiple times - even after she dies. Especially after she dies.
That's when you start realizing that you're starting to hate even the people you love so much. It's an irrational fear, but you think that Logan being so pre-occupied with Lilly's death is going to mean that you're forgotten about. It's Lilly on People. Lilly on the Times. Lilly's face is plastered everywhere and she's laughing at you. You can hear the echo in your ears - it rings.
You hate your parents, and you're starting to hate Lilly a lot too. It's like drowning: Your mother told you that Veronica was your sister and you thought that would be the end of the world, but then Lilly did her thing with Logan and he stayed away from the house. You could swear you could feel your lungs clog with sea water, but you know you're barely surfacing when you black out and days later you're in some limo with your parents holding onto some fold out paper about a memorial for one Lillian Kane.
You don't cry. Veronica cries - a lot. Logan has red around his eyes, but never shows actual tears and you don't cry. You feel so physically unable and you're not sure why. You don't laugh or smile either. You don't do much of anything and you feel like you should be hated for that. You've even started to hate yourself.
It won't be the last time you hate yourself either.
Life has taught you, not Lilly, that the fire that comes with giving into the pressing heat of hate will fuel you like nothing else.
The next year when school starts - you ignore Veronica. You've slept with Veronica and you feel too guilty for words. There's an echo of your mother in her eerily calm tone saying Your sister, Your sister in your head - you ignore Logan, but he stays anyway. You two were together at last and in sync with each other. It was the two of you against the world. He cheats off your homework and you let him - and you're sure that you cheat off of him too somehow, just not any way that can be learned with desks and chalk and pencils. It officially smells like teen spirit.
What comes next, you think is inevitable, but you don't stop it because the drowning - no matter how much you hate it - has started to become comfortable. You've been drowning for a year and you'll continue to because it's convenient. It gives you a reason and you need a reason.
The two of you become unhinged and Logan's gets a little darker than you remember. Maybe he's drowning too, but you can't pull yourself up to the surface to save him like you want to. Maybe you were waiting for him to save you instead.
The space between the two of you makes you notice certain things. Logan has no reasons for some of the bruises or cuts that he's shown up around you since you've known him. It unnerves you and you don't say anything. You don't dare to open your mouth when in secret he scowls about how everyone loves his father so much. He hates the fame. He hates the cameras unless they're for him. Logan is a walking contradiction, but you love him. You accept him because no one else will and because he accepts you too.
What you can't accept is when sometime between after his mother dies and after Veronica confronts you about Shelly Pomroy's party that you find your best friend and your ex-girlfriend kissing. No, it's not just kissing. He looks at her in the same way that he used to look at Lilly: like he has to cradle her so not to break her.
He wouldn't do that. He knew you still loved her.
It's the first time you actually hate the two of them. Up until that point you were sure that they were the only exceptions. They're not and you feel yourself sink - hard.
Meg Manning is by your side as you take a shovel to your SUV. It all comes out. The anger the pain and most of all the utter betrayal of your friendship - your love - and you hope you're committed to some institution with a straight jacket. You can't think of any other option to escape. You don't see any lifejackets or anyone reaching in to pull you up. The worst part is that among hating them, you still love them. Meg's wrong; you mostly love him.
The taste of melting vanilla ice cream lingers on your tongue and you can't think straight. It was never water that you were drowning in.
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