Title: set yourself on fire
Author: [livejournal.com profile] duckytears
Rating: PG-13 for language and sexuality.
Word Count: 2296 words
Character/Pairing: Vi/Nate/Em
Summary: It's all fun and games until Em suggests a threesome. Or not really, but... - It's weird. It's too weird and you roll your eyes at her.
Author's Note: Written for [livejournal.com profile] atomic_eyes and [livejournal.com profile] ohmyhannah for the most part because no one else is going to understand this like they will. Violet Kane, Nathan Vandergraff and Emily Echolls are all original characters in the Veronica Mars fandom created by the three of us. Neptune Babies, kthnx. This is based on [livejournal.com profile] likethe_stars.

If you want to read Em's version of this story go here: "Hard Choices" [Em/Nate/Vi] by [livejournal.com profile] atomic_eyes





set yourself on fire









The first time you remember Em kissing you, you were a naive seven year old and she was as usual this boastful eight year old who claimed to have more experience under her belt than any eight year old ought to have. She claimed that there were some things that she just had to teach you, that you needed to learn from her and no one else. And you believed her because she was Emily Echolls and your best friend forever and you trusted her more than anyone else in the world.

So, she kissed you and you giggled softly into that kiss because you couldn't think of a damn other thing to do. The thing is that you knew she had kissed you before (because, hey, you two had lived in the same room for over a year already and you knew her before you seriously knew her for years in those visits Logan and Em would come up from L.A.). You can look back now and think that the two of you are like Vixen and Cassandra, from Judy Blume's Summer Sisters, with all the secret power in the world right between your legs. Screw the idea that men only possessed balls (Em had enough in her pants for the both of you).

Anyway, you know that you two definitely kissed before then and you know even better that you two have kissed after then because even though you can only remember the first time with you being a giggly seven year old, not much has changed. When she kisses you now, you want to giggle like you did then and it sticks at the back of your throat like a tickle you can't get rid of.

You're still jealous, irrationally or not, of the looks she gives Evil New Boy. It doesn't matter if he's been here for months now, he's always been Evil New Boy because he steals Emily away from you and he makes you doubt yourself in ways you never thought you would. He could be here for years and he will just always be Evil New Boy.

However, by day one you know his name is Nate Vandergraff, he likes basketball and Em. Your mother mutters something about evil duplicitous water under her breath in reference to his father and you memorize exactly how his hair curls against the back of his neck as he sits in the seat in front of you in English class. He smells good like wood and rain and as days pass by he starts to smell more and more like Em and it drives you crazier than you already were.

Which, for the record, is a feat.

Maybe just for the fact that he's touching your best friend. Or that Em's around smelling like the beach with a huge grin on her face every time she sees him. But maybe - just maybe - it's for the fact that he's not going to touch you or smell like you. Violet Kane: Student Counsel President, Honor Roll, Little Miss Sunshine, Goody Two Shoes, Perfectionist.

You're just not his type, but you say to Em repeatably that he's not yours.

The fact is, you noticed him first and you should have gotten him, but Em smiled at him and he fell hard, just like you did the first time you saw her. You don't care if you were like a baby at the time or a toddler. You saw Em and your heart swelled and you wanted to keep her forever just so you could love her.

You always strive for ultimates. When you do school work there is something in the back of your head that keeps repeating more more more more more to you and you feel it wrench inside until you listen. So why is it any different when it comes to the people in your life?

You push your parents as far away from you as possible. You love them and you hate them and nothing in between. Black and White. Had your mother not given birth to you, you'd sever contact completely. Had your father not fathered you, you'd do similarly. And it's not their fault. You know that. Em thinks you're crazy for that because she loves your parents. They just look at you and see their perfect daughter. They want to keep you that way so they tell you nothing. And that's why you're naive in so many ways but jaded. Even more jaded because Em has been in your life forever and when you two argue it's cut throat.

There wasn't grey until Em came and shaded things over with her hips and her voice and the way she made you think about questioning everyone and anything. It comes naturally now to doubt.

Sometimes you pretend to be the princess that your parents really want you to be. You'll slip upstairs to your room and cuddle with your orange and white striped stuffed cat you named Mr. Mistoffelees after the mischievous kitty in Cats, but there's so much that you want to blame them for not telling you. All the things you had to discover on your own burns inside like a fire you can't extinguish. And sometimes you really believe you set that fire yourself.

And this fire you've set is burning throughout your whole life because you look at Em and she gives you this slick smirk at what ever you said. You've seen so many times that it's just part of her (She's just always been that fucking cool to have a smirk that was distinctively her). But something shifts in her and you feel it as she leans in, her hands on your wrists tightly, kissing you until your toes curl.

You think it's a joke for the first five seconds, but when she looks back into your eyes when you don't kiss her back you feel something sink in your stomach deeply - bottoming out.

And you kiss her too, but not the way you want to.

When she stops, her eyes glazing over in a look that even you can't read as she looks past your shoulder, you turn back to look too.

And he's there watching with the same betrayal in his eyes that you've always felt. That's when it clicks inside you that she's going to choose him. So, you tell her to pick so she can hate you faster for everything you're going to do when she does.

You stopped wanting to be in the dark a long time ago. You know the truth hurts, but you know it hurts less than not knowing. There are always secrets to be uncovered. (That's another thing you hate about yourself is the fact that you're destined to follow after your mother just like she followed after her father. At least Grandpa Keith is awesome though, your mother is more compulsive and neurotic than you are.) The faster Emily gets this over with the faster you'll get over your broken heart. You lie and you also get that from your mother too.

And fuck, you want her to choose you because you're now this seventeen year old girl and you've wanted her so badly you've stopped trying to breathe. And you know if she doesn't choose you, you'll lose her forever which is worse. So, Emily is a little black and white too. And you hate her for disturbing the balance and kissing you like she wants to crawl inside you. And you hate Nate for coming in and stopping her before she did.

Fuck them, you say too loudly to your mirror (you kinda want your parents to hear you and discipline you for profanity) as you brush the knots out of your hair angrily. Fuck them! But you really want to. So you take a shower until your skin scalds from peach to bright red. Your hand and wrist become too sore and cramped up like you're going to get carpal tunnel from that position between your thighs. You dry yourself off and ignore Em and Nate for days.

That special power between your legs is gone and you start to think that you never possessed it in the first place.

Why aren't you eating? Your father asks one of those days and you make some dumb comment about not being hungry, but it's just the opposite because you're famished. You're starving and you can say a goddamn word about it.

Things with Emily will be okay, your dad tells you, but you just go upstairs to your room and cry. How would he know?

On a Friday, Em calls you and you answer and she tells you to come to Dog Beach. Which you do. But only because you want the truth. Not for her. When you walk down there and arrive just as Nate pulls up in his car, you shudder. You inhale that clean scent you remember to be his as you stand beside him and he looks at you like his enemy. But clearly, last week, you remember laughing and smiling with him.

It's all fun and games until Em suggests a threesome. Or not really, but... - It's weird. It's too weird and you roll your eyes at her. That's not a choice, you want to say to her, but Nate gives this sort of look like hey, two girls and me and he looks at you and he actually really looks at you.

And this is when you actually know you're mental ill because you nod dumbly to the idea of a threesome. Which is insane because you haven't had sex with one person let alone trying to master getting it on with two. You can barely have sex with yourself and you just agreed to the concept of doing it with your best friend and Evil New Boy who very quickly you're afraid is going to become Sexy Naked Boy.

You can't comprehend it and frankly it terrifies you.

Emily choice is a catastrophe because no no no no no no no you can't do this. You'll start this way and it won't end this way because they'll just spin you in and out and they'll fall in love each other forever and you'll be left in the dark. You can already see the wedding and the laughing about the crazy threesome sex that took Vi's virginity and how insane of an idea they think it is now. And you know you'd die being on the outside looking in. So, you shake your head hard and push back those tears as Nate stands towering above you ready to give you that kiss you've always wanted from him.

You feel so dizzy that you swear you're going to faint and you cringe as Nate dips is head in to yours, tears building quickly under your eyes as you close them to keep them in. You feel warm familiar hands cupping your cheeks and you open them again to look at Em - because you know it's Em and you feel so stupid for crying about getting something that you wanted. You wipe under an eye and you smear mascara across your cheek with your palm.

This is crazy, what am I doing? You ask her without really questioning her. And she looks kindly at you with those warm dark eyes you remember falling in love with. And she asks you if you want this. You nod again because you do. You really do and you're sure that fear is going to swallow you whole, but she kisses you like she's meant to for all the years that you've needed her to and the world stops for you three alone.

You shut up, shiver and go with it.

Nate kisses harder than Em and you give a soft gasp into his lips when he finally does kiss you. You feel the soft laughter giggle, bubble and burst from your lips unexpectedly and embarrassedly.

She does that, Emily says to Nate, with a smile against the skin of your neck, and you laugh until the sun dawns.
This account has disabled anonymous posting.
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.
More info about formatting
.

Profile

thiswholeflight: (Default)
still love you more than anyone else could

Most Popular Tags

Powered by Dreamwidth Studios

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags